Until I Am Perfectly Perfect

Until I am perfectly perfect, I am seeing things not as they are.  I am seeing things from the layers of my past memories.  From the layers of all the formed labelling, judgement and opinion.

These past memories that cloud the simplicity in life.  As the proverb says, "I cannot stop birds from flying around my head, but I can prevent then from making nests in my hair."

My want to free myself must start from within me.  It has to start from accepting my imperfection.  That I have failed myself.  That I have deserted myself.  That I have formed too much demands on me, around me.

The process to make it right for myself takes commitment.  It takes all the tears to realize.  And, it takes the awareness that change must start from me and that God is not an order taker.

All my past memories are connected like a spider web.  When I start to remove one as I am cleaning a memory, everything shakes.

It is this step that I must see myself.  I must promise myself to take full responsibility and to stop blaming others.

In that moment I accept myself, that I stand in life with imperfections, all burdens and all mountainous burdens simply disappear.

God gives. God is easy.
Life gives. Life is easy.
I am the one who complicate everything each time I engage and react.

Instead that I embrace life in its sheer joy with all the festivals off lights, I cling on and not letting go.

All life's problems are my creation because I react to them. Very often, the problems are not with others but the thought and emotion within me that react to them.

I must realize that I am not seeing things as they are.  I am seeing things from my past memories, from who I am.

If I give to others and expecting for something in return, it is better that I do not give at all.

If I make those who receive my kindness, my generosity and make them to feel guilty and to feel in debt, it is better that I do not give at all.

While life can seem to be unfair, it is what I am going through it that is of my own doing.  

I have to ask myself how much longer will I go on letting my energy sleep?  How much longer am I going to stay oblivious of life's immensity?

I am the problem as I react to everything.  When I feel the world is unjust that all others take advantage of me and that I feel like a victim, all doors will continue to close.

The doors will only open when I can accept my own imperfections. My own idiosyncrasies.  My own doing.

People do not listen to me, they watch me.

I must clean and desire to be at zero.  I keep my cleaning work to myself, not on others.

Problems will always be problems.  They will always be there.  But my taking over hundred percent responsibility, situations can shift.

In taking full responsibility, there'll be no how, no when, no who.  In that state, I am letting go of the problems inside myself.

I love you.
I am sorry.
Please forgive me.
Thank you.